| 12:30 am...this is what living like this does |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|12:29 am] |
I feel like such a loser. I just watched the 6 hour edition of pride and prejudice...and liked it...a lot. Im considering watching it again. This is what happens when your roomate leaves for 5 days and you only have 3 other friends on campus
I miss Derek a lot right now. I don't know why but I feel like I want a hug really badly. It makes me happy that I'm with him and that he loves me and I knwo he does and don't have to ever worry about him liking someone else. I've had that problem a lot with the poeple I've dated, I was never good enough until now, it's a good feeling. I don't really care what people say and think of me being with someone younger and less mature (which i beg to differ if i was seen in a different situation). I am treated well and happy. I just wish I had some way to see him during the week....
It's weird to think that my friends are graduating next year. I know it's a part of growing up, but I really don't want any of them to move away. Some people I can't imagine living without seeing on the weekends. It's going to be odd.
I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. Grad school, jobs, life, marriage (shudder), the posibility of a family (shudders again). It's all coming so fast now. I applied to an internship at AP today, but I think they want me to move to Cleveland and that sucks. I wish I could know what my future was, but that's life. Just a dream where all the faces and names are blotted out until you get there.
The past confuses me as well. I mean a year ago I was getting over mike, 2 I was getting over yeager, 3 i was with steve, and 4 i was being a whore. The people I've liked, the friends I've lost, the friends I have now, the relationships I've had...theyre all a blur yet so distinct. I miss a lot of friends, and randomly I feel bad and will track them down and say hi...but they never make plans, and when I try they can't. I guess this is the way it's supposed to be. Without Meaghan, Donna, Amanda, Yeager, Leisa, Donovan, Nick, Heatherly, Cathen, Brianne, and others...I guess this is it. Me and my whole 6 friends...but I love them all and wouldn't ask for more I suppose.
Life is just full of all these random breakdowns. I'm not crying, but doing a lot of thinking. So many poeple I wish I could be friends with. Sometimes I wonder if it's me...and sometimes I choose not to care. I just wish it was still high school. I miss it. I miss seeing everybody every day. Having the 3 minutes in the halls helps. Love it while you can...you'll miss it when it's gone. Everything is so much different. Everyone is so different. I don't want to let go and move on. I want to be 16 and in marching band and academic challenge...but I can't. Life moves on, I just have to take what I have left and go with it. It's so hard.
Here I am, almost done with one year here and what do I have to show. I have Toni, who is fucking amazing, I have Dan who's a cool kid, Maggie, Meg, and Anastasia who are all kinda friends with me. I have a year of wasted classes that only 3 will go towards my degree, $6,000 in debt, and an overwhelming sense that I have social anxiety. I dont know...
Sometimes I wonder if Jill was around would it all be different. Would Mike not feel abandoned, would Yeager have ever been with Courtney, would me and Jill have matching tattoos, would I have ended up with Derek....I miss her so much. She always knew what to say to me that would make me re-think what I thought about situations with Yeager. I miss going out with her. She made the Jake thing so much better for me. If she were still around I would hope to be even better firends with her...but now it's been almost a year...and every time I look at the beanie baby from the calling hours all I remember is what my mom told me 2 days before she died "hey weren't you supposed to call jill" and me saying, "yeah I'll call her thursday and hang out"...There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret not picking up the phone and calling her. I dont know or think it would have changed anything...but I miss her...and one more day would have been amazing. She was a great person. I hope shes okay.
I should probably sleep or do my homework...but all I want to do is sit here. It's been so long since I've been alone. It's odd. It gives me time to think and refect. I guess that's a good things. My life.... yeah. Maybe it will all make sense to me. Maybe it won't. Sometimes I just wish I knew who I am.
Sometimes I question everything. Every intention with every word spoken or written by anyone. I read an entry where everything is about God and I judge, yes I judge, everyone does, and if you think you dont you're a fucking liar. I wonder how peopel can be happy being told what to do by someone who is paid to say such things when a relationship with Christ is set with every intention to be free. I wonder how in the hell I didn't get on that train in church. I wonder the prpose of church. Is it community? Is it friends? or is it truely about God? Makes me think why every time I'm there...what are my intentions. Why talk about God in my xanga? Why question who will read said entry in my head? Why matter what they might thing...isn't a journal supposed to be for one's self and not to think about other's? My head is full or random thoughts, as you can see...I just wish I understood the purpose of organized religion when there's an instruction manual and God who will speak to you in prayer...and it will be only to you and thus being more personal and meaning full. Life is utterly confusing.
I wish I knew who I was. I have said this before but it still stands. I'm Sarah Emily Lelonek. I like to write. I love to read and watch movies. I love my derek and burdette and alek and aaron and shanaynay and others with every once of me. I sometimes despise my parents and sister, but love them too. That is why I havent moved out yet. I like art and music...I love thier history as well. I admire Monet so very much. I htink Gerard way is amazing and HIM are collectivly a musical genius as well as 75% of everythign produced in the 90's. I give Nirvana credit for almost everythign I surrently listen to. I like sleeping. I like talking. I hate being alone for moments like this arise. I miss my friends I miss Jill I miss a lot of things, BUt I love life and wouldn't ever think about leaving it on my own free will. I know there's a heaven. I know that math is the devil And I love cheese...but if I take all that away who am i? I"m jut random streams of consiousness...is that what a soul is? Who knows...
So now I shall go and read until I manage to finally fall asleep. I don't want to read buddhism because that will make my mind think entirly too much. I hope tomorrow's entry won't be quite as long and in depth...but you know. Shit happens.
Life is short, live it to the fullest and never look back or you'll never get out alive
\m/(-_-)\m/
yes, i still want a sword |
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